November 22, 1963 - A Date To Be Remembered

Not a day has passed since I was 15, that I have not light a candle to honor President Kennedy. Though I was born in the 1980s, but I share the same memories and grief Americans had back in 1960s. John F. Kennedy was a great leader. He was indeed a politician but he was genuine, witty and charming. He was an optimistic leader and a true patriot at heart and believed that problems could be solved, if one put his country before self. Kennedy has changed my Life like how he did to many Americans. All his dreams ended on the streets of Dallas when those shots rang out. I believe my book 'One Sunny Day In Dallas' will carry a different view on what happened on that fateful day in Dallas.

Kennedy and his wife Jackie traveled to Dallas on a political campaign as a starting point for the 1964's Presidential Elections. While riding in his open limousine on a motorcade through downtown Dallas, the President was struck by bullets which wounded his neck and mortally wounding his skull. The shooting started exactly at 12.29.52 secs (CST) and ended at 12.30.18 secs (CST).

Interesting facts about John F. Kennedy:

1. He was the youngest elected President in US history at age 43.

2. He was the first Roman Catholic in the White House.

3. He sent the world's first weather satellite & communication satellite in order to get weather forecasts and live coverage on TV programs.

4. He sent the first American into Space and vowed that the first man on the Moon would be an American.

5. The color blue, white & teal for the Presidential jet Air Force One were picked by his wife Jackie.

Here are some photos of President Kennedy shortly before his murder;

In Memoriam of John F. Kennedy

While I Cleaned My Room

While cleaning my room, I found something extraordinary. It came to my attention as it was a small piece of paper placed inside my old diary. It’s a note my dearest Friend wrote me 3 years ago.

My Dear Pumpkin,

I’m so sorry for being pain in the ass lately. My medication is getting me nuts. But I gotta thank you for pushing me to go for counseling. It helped me a lot in many ways. I promise I will stop obsessing about my muscles and not over-do sports and my exercises. And wait, I will also make sure I will not leave the dirty laundry on the floor again. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for staying awake while I studied for exams and made me coffee. Your coffee is as addictive as you. Heheks! And yes I hate you! :p

Your Angel,

A.Iskandar

(Jan 19, 2008)

I read this note the following day at 8pm. I found him cold and unconscious on our bed at 6.30am. He was pronounced dead upon arrival at University Hospital, PJ at 7.45am, January 20, 2008. He was just 25 years old.

It has been 3 years since he passed. I’m amazed how much I have changed and moved on with Life. I’m glad I did.

I never knew how much I Love and appreciate my Life ever since. I look forward every moment for a new day in my Life. We all learn. Learning is lifelong process. Nothing lasts forever especially Life. January 20, 2008 changed my Life forever. I remember vividly everything; the rain, the first cigarettes outside the hospital, the first time crying out loud and the police station.

The police asked me, ‘What are you to Him?’ I froze, gasped momentarily and said, ‘Friend’. The police said, ‘Sorry, only immediate family member could sign’. It was the release form to endorse the burial permit.

All of you out there who rant and groan how fucked up Life can be, earn this. Life is indeed fucked up. We can’t expect a Snow White or a Cinderella story. Reality does suck. Even Rain and Lee Hom are not perfect. No one is and nothing is…

Who wants to know what Life is?

Have you been admitted into a mental institution for PTSD? I have!

Have you experienced being robbed and beaten twice? The RM10, 000 you have saved up for your education disappeared in 10 minutes. I have!

Losing the love of your life to death, right in front of you? You and your relationship could not be acknowledged because the society says so. I have!

Have you experienced a moment in Life where you had to walk 20km under scorching heat and hungry because you didn’t have money to go back home or eat? Imagine when your knees went numb, tremble and almost gave up? I have!

Have you experienced a moment where you had to beg for money from some people at the bus stop and they ignore you? I have!

The greatest fear I have with all these experiences is to Plead. I am so scared, to plead to others not to take something away from me or seek help. I don’t know whether it’s a good or bad thing.

All I know is that I do wanna live a longer life, have children and see them grow up. This is the least I could do. For those who suffered and died, it’ll be unfair for me to curl up in my condo, cry and cut myself or even commit suicide due to my traumatizing past.

I’m inspired by many people and I want to inspire people as well. I thank Mom for a gift She gave me. A gift that I believe not many people are privileged of. The ability to read and reason by it. Not gossip magazine or comics but books, online articles, online journals etc. Everything from science to economy, to aircrafts, nations, history, politics, culture, people and nature.

What is it like to be a Queer?

It is indeed obvious that generally people love stereotyping. Not sure who to blame. Culture? or Nature? Yes I Drink, Smoke, I have Tattoo and Piercings. This package comes with a believe that people like me love sleeping around. Which I don't? I went to a gaybar for the first time in Malaysia and I find it annoying. The drinks suck and music sucks. But faggots are like...OMG OMG OMG all over. Haha! Well, it's a choice. And I'm willing to stick with mine. Bet it ain't easy to be openly gay and to love history & politics. And No no, me no fan of Gaga! :p

Coming out wasn't easy either. Dad was autocratically orthodox and mom is firm yet gentle. It was 2004 and I was 19. Dad was always away working. Mom took care of me during my mid-teenage. We had a table talk. Dad chased me out of the house. Mom dumped dad and left home with my youngest brother and my other younger brother chose not to talk to me. We never talked since 2004 till Jan 2011. It was indeed hard for me. But it was alright. I made a choice to come. They could not accept. So, fark it. Positive much! :)

Since the discreet first relationship I had which ended with the death of my bf, made me stronger and to be openly gay. So, now either u accept it or forget it. Being gay is difficult in almost all cultures. It's all in your head on how do you wanna deal with it. Motivation, Hope and Strength come from within. I bet Anderson Cooper had hard time coming out too. :)

Anyway, I have a large number of straight guy friends who are more gay than I am. But their gfs are smokin' hawt bitches! :D

To all gays people out there. STOP craving for Love and sleeping around. Have some dignity. Being gay is not all about alcohol parties or having sex around. Come lets spread Love. Help the needy. Help in PT Foundation. Let stop AIDS!

Chills Run Down My Spine!

I am in LOVE! But how do to say...hmm...He is the best thing since Prozac. LOLs...He reminds me of Nickelback's Far Away...Though He is far away from where I am right now....BUT one thing i certain; as long as we have each other. I don't need a man to tell me 'I love you' every second. As long as He and I know that we love each other....and thats good enough. I am ready to do anything for him...I wished He could read and understand what I am crappin' ova here...Love isn't all about sex! Makin' Love is the best to describe an intimacy between couple. BUT hey, I too am really good on bed! LOLs. We talk almost everyday and it's beautiful that we learn a lot from each other. The Irony is that I should not fall in love with him. And that was the pact made since the beginning. I'm not sure whether I should say sorry to him, to have fallen in love with him?? I had messed up relationships, especially the current ex BUT this is a chance to try. I don't know this is right or wrong...BUT fuck it! Lets just give it a try! LOLs....

Love is blind? I would say, 'Love is unconscious'. I didn't realize that I fell for him...I ain't sure on what to do right now. I'm just a little scared. I can't afford to lose him. He is too precious! More than anything in this world. He may think that I am like other guys he meet, and I am not sure how to make myself significant to him. All I could do is to be myself....at all times with him. I need him! So badly! Not only for those times when I'm down...BUT also when I'm happy! I wish to marry him :)


A nite ago around 3am...I looked up my bed into the skies and I saw hundreds or probably thousands of stars! It was the MOST beautiful thing I ever saw! Words can't describe how I feel for Nature. And He came in mind. He? A friend of mine....BUT I look at him more than a friend. He is as lonely as I am. He is as insecure as I am. He is as scared as I am....Thats because we had plight moments in life before and We did learn from our mistakes. Relationships sustain only when couples accepts each others' flaws, respect each other. (P.S: Mutual Respect between each other is more important than anything).....and Damn, I love milk chocolates!! :p

'You're the sky that I fell thru....And I remember the view whenever I'm holding you....The sun hung from a string...Lookin' down on the world as it warms over everything....Chills run down my spine. As our fingers entwine and your sighs harmonize with mine'....

I don't need a guy with a fat wallet! All I need is guy with brains...And a person who can appreciate the finer things in life and be in touch with reality....To accept me just the way I am. Love me even by seeing my flaws. The beauty of Beauty is being flawed! Well, with an awesome butt! ;p

I know that you are a weary realist, but chance is vital. You should give yourself a chance. You would think that you're not good enough for someone, but you do know how sweet you can be to that someone and how special can you be.

(And so what if I am short?? LOLs)

Iron!

For the past years, I had seen women remarkably succeeding in the arenas like politics, sports and business. Being gay and also a feminist gives a wider perspective on civil rights. Women had been discriminated since stone age! Most of my idols are women. I call them Iron, which includes my dearest mother. This post is to commemorate those women who stood up during the difficult time in history. And their stories changed the world.... To all straight men out there, let me tell you something: 'Women are not toys! Those who say that women should not succeed could come and kiss my cute brown ass!!' ;)


Diana Spencer was the true Fairytale Princess who came in reality. Whoever touches one's heart will live forever. Diana touched millions! Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire. Diana saved millions.



Dr. Angela D. Merkel became the first woman Chancellor of Germany in 2005. She is the most Powerful person in Europe and the 1st most Powerful woman in the World.



Rosa Parks triggered the intensity of the civil rights movement among the Black communities in the United States during the tumultuous era of the late 1950s and 1960s. She was arrested for not giving up her seat to a White woman while she was on her way back home after work.



Eleanor Roosevelt, former First Lady of the United States from 1933 to 1945 was the Chairman for the Women's Right for the United Nations, but resigned her post in 1948 when the organization refused to admit a Black woman into the committee. Roosevelt was also the key framer of the United Nations' Universal Declaration of Human Rights. While her handicap husband was busy with his work at the White House, she traveled around the world on his behalf.



Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi was the first woman Prime Minister of India. She was called the 'Iron Lady of Asia' . She was the Prime Minister from 1966 to 1971 then from 1980 to her death in 1984. It was the period when women were beaten, abused, raped by their beastly husbands, fathers etc. Female infants were poisoned to death upon births because in India, women are considered 'burden'


Hillary Rodham Clinton is to-date, the most politically active First Lady of the United States. She served as First Lady from 1993 to 2001. From 2001 to 2009, she served as a Senator from New York. She ran for President in 2008, but lost the Democratic nomination to Barack Obama. But that wasn't the end for her. She is now serving as the US Secretary of State under the Obama Administration.

'Mein Kampf'

Don't get me wrong with the title of the post. It has nothing to do with Hitler and his fucked up book. LOL....Few days ago, my first ex bf's best friend said something he should have not said. Something that Anuar told him before he died. He said, 'Anuar had always wanted to tell you that he was sick, BUT you never gave him a chance'....'It was always about you, talking about yourself...all the time'....'Anuar loved you so madly and a picture of you was found on his bed when he was found dead'....

I am an idiot....I am selfish...and not knowing that...I'm sure that my friends know that...but they are too afraid to tell me off. They do not want me to get hurt or misinterpret things. I have to get out of 'my safe zone'. People want to listen those things they wanted to listen....I am one of 'em. This ain't productive...

It's time for change.... ;)




For the past weeks, I have been busy with my work. Working in my own campus holds a great deal. Most UTAR students complain about their campus and the administration. I WAS one of the them. People always say; 'Malaysian politics is fucked up'...Shall we ask, 'which country's politic ain't corrupted?'....Other countries like Thailand, Philippines, Indonesia, Myanmar, India, Pakistan and even the 'great' United States of America are all absolutely shattered by political corruption. President Nixon destroyed his political life through a corruption, making him the first ever US President to resign in the nation's history. We are much safer in Malaysia than those countries I mentioned above.




I learned a lot in UTAR. Being part of the administration earned me a reputation that I never had. People see me in different way now. As an intern, working in UTAR gained me experience and some other benefits. Especially on accumulating the Soft Skills points easily. Next semester, when I join the seminars, I would be able to get discounts and free entry plus the points and learned the importance of Soft Skills. I build good rapport and bond with tonnes of people. I love meeting new people. And especially meeting new cute boys.... ;p




I am so much in love with those straight boys I see....checking them out gives a different feeling....and I would stay away if eventually I find out that one of them is gay...LOL...It's nice to see guys with clothes on than clothes off...hahahaha! Having little peeks of their body parts is better than seeing them buck naked! :s






I don't know what's up with me and boys who are really tall with glasses....LOL....Gao gao de! Dai yan jing! A newly developed fetish I could say. But both my ex bf's were really tall and those who wore glasses....Love those geeky looking guys....LOLs....

Busy Weeks!! :s

Been real busy with work lately! And I feel like I have no life...since I work from Monday to Sunday...like what the fuck!! And working in a fucked up place make those issues I battle with myself worse! I just have another 11 weeks to go. I hope nothing bad happens. I have been a prisoner to the society...It hurts real bad when I can't express myself and be myself. I live in the setting where I lie to myself so much...I don't know what to do. Being 'stuck' make me go crazy and I cannot my emotions anymore. I am strong and still rely on hope... ;)

When???

Life sucks! Love hurts! But both life and love are beautiful!! hehe! I love my life! All I need is time...Time to heal and time to be myself with the man I want...Not sure when, but the time will come. ;)

New Light

There is a new light in my life now. I was in the wilderness for a moment. I was too afraid, insecure and worried to death about my life. Life is really complicated and being gay is even more complicated. I do not know what I want. Whether he is a man? or a boy? I have no idea. I do not know whether I will be with him for 1 year or 3 years or 10 years. But I could try. Life is all about trying new things. Though gay people know that eventually they would break up, then why get into relationships? Strange! We all have innate urges and certain forces that can't be explain. Just like Love which is the force of nature. I had Anuar for 3 years but eventually broke up, then Kenny for 1.3 years and broke up. Sigh. I hope things go well now for me and my little baby boy. I really would like to know him more. It would take a long period of time. Just let time and nature decide for us both.

Regards,

Joaquin missing his Sweet Apple Pie ;)

Blasting Silvester 2010!

New Year is called Silvester in Deutsch (German), and I had a blasting one!! It was also a farewell to my little Nippon brother Kazuma Abe. He flies to Narita on January 4th, 2010 completing his one year stay in Malaysia. Hope he learned something while he stayed here especially on how people live lives in other parts of the world, culture, religion etc.

Kazuma as usual, a little drunk over there with Michaela

A Christmas without Snow

As how Michaela described, as 'Christmas without Snow'. We're in Malaysia and we never had snow. So, she said that it is weird to celebrate Christmas in summer heat! Haha! Christmas was fun! Had blasting party with my exchange students especially with silly Kazuma Abe. ;)



Kazuma did his first sushi in his life! Well, I tasted not that bad though he had some smackings from my mom while doing them...haha!



Okay, this is not what you think! I am asleep even before I drank that wine. Kazuma posed the wine bottle next to me. I'm innocent! ;)




Asahi! A Japanese branded beer, was a Christmas gift from Kazuma to me. We had so much of it in Cambodia and got a little drunk! Haha! It was just USD1 in Cambodia per can. But the bottle is more expensive here in Malaysia.

2009 In Pictures...

JANUARY

Crazy moment with Sok Nee and Kenny at 21st Century! The only time we went drinking together and can never be forgotten

Barack Obama inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States. The first African-American to be elected President and the 4th youngest man to ever hold the Office. The first was Theodore Roosevelt the 26th President in 1901, who assumed Office after the death of President William McKinley. He was just 42. The second is John F. Kennedy, the 35th President, elected in 1960 at the age 43. The third is Bill Clinton, the 42nd President, elected in 1992 at the age 46. Obama was 47 when he was elected in 2008

Hillary Clinton as former First Lady of the United States from 1993 to 2001 inaugurated as the 67th United States Secretary of State in January, 2009. She is the wife of former President Bill Clinton. She also served as a US Senator from New York from 2001 to 2009. To this date, she was the only former First Lady in the history of the country to be actively involved in American politics.

FEBRUARY

My first and last Prom Nite in UTAR. Was awesome! Meet lots of new people and damn I love my outfit!

It was the first outing I did with this cool chick I met in UTAR named Ashleigh Errolene Goh

and her cousin Sherry Alexis

My first Valentine. It was the most beautiful moment in my life after long years of big mess.

Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir became Iceland's first female Prime Minister in February 2009; she also became the world's first openly gay head of Government. Good luck to her! ;-)

April

Check out those moves man! Chun Ming and I rocked the stage with the dance from the film Honey; 'I Believe' during UTAR Drama and Public Speaking's event

BoomBoxx Bar Party organized by Ash and Emi. Elaine and I rocked the party all over...ended up with me getting extremely tipsy and you don't wanna know what happened after that :s

MAY

An overwhelming 6-day trip to the Incredible Kingdom of Cambodia with my papa and all the AFS students in Johor chapter

Awesome Gunung Ledang Waterfalls trip with Kazuma Abe and Jan Hilgenrainer, right after our trip from Cambodia

JUNE

You made the whole world to move! I danced because you danced. An extraordinary soul! Generations to come will scarcely find that such being like you, walked upon this earth with blood and flesh! Rest In Peace Mikey (1958-2009)

You will always remain in people's heart not only as Charlie's Angel as People's Angel. Rest In Peace Farrah Fawcett (1947-2009)

JULY

I guess I would need to open a club for my Bitches as it's getting bigger and bigger!! Haha! Met this awesomely weird chicks named Joanna (top left), Lishia (below felt) and Suria (top right). These people rock to the max!! Glad I met them! ;-)

My first performance after 9 years! And I think I did well...though it was hard for me to catch up with the steps. UTAR Asian Cultural Society's Cultural Nite on July 4th.

My Queen Bitch's dramatic 22nd birthday party!! It was better than her 21st birthday party in 2008. Haha! Though she was not there to witness us most of the time and to witness the dramas too, as she saw the 'light' and followed it throughout the nite, we all did enjoy the party! Hehe! That was the day I found out another babe who could really party; Amelia Wong!! Never knew that she is good companion for drinking and dancing! ;-)

Check out those heels man! Damn! I never knew I'd pull through the nite! :s

Thats me! Miss J! Haha! Costume Party organized by Ash and Emi!

A farewell to AFS Johor's YPnhSC' 2008/2009. After an 11-month of life as Malaysians, it was time to say goodbye to Lien, Jan, Sara and Pascal! We had great time together... ;-)

Walter Cronkite an American anchorman died on July 17, 2009. He was a famous anchorman for CBS News. He was the first person to relay the news of the assassination of President Kennedy to the American people and the world in November, 1963. He was also popular for his Nuremberg Trials coverage, Vietnam War, 1968's Presidential Primaries and Elections, Watergate, and the Iran Hostage Crisis coverages. The Beatles' first American TV broadcast and interview was with Mr. Cronkite. Rest In Peace Old Ironpants!

Robert S. McNamara was the 8th US Secretary of Defense from 1961 to 1968 under President Kennedy and President Lyndon Johnson. He was considered the most controversial political leader of the 20th Century due to his policy-making with President Johnson for Vietnam War. He eventually resigned his position as Secretary of Defense in 1968 due to an extreme opposition by the American public as Vietnam War did not come to an end. Vietnam War was considered the greatest error in the history of American foreign policy!! McNamara died on July 6, 2009. Rest In Peace Mr. Secretary!

August

Eunice Kennedy Shriver died on August 11, 2009. She was the sister of both murdered former US President John F. Kennedy and former US Senator Robert F. Kennedy. She was widely known as the founder of Special Olympics inspired by her disabled sister Rosemary Kennedy in 1962. She and her husband Robert Shriver successfully campaigned for John Kennedy in 1960's Presidential Election. Their daughter, Maria Shriver is married to then-actor Arnold Schwarzenegger who became the Governor of California in 2003.

Edward M. Kennedy (far right) shares laughter with his murdered brothers Jack and Bobby. He died on August 25, 2009, just 2 weeks after the death of his sister Eunice. He was the last surviving brothers of the Kennedy family and was the youngest among all the 9 children of Rose and Joseph Kennedy. He was a US Senator from Massachusetts serving for 46 years.

Chua with one of his weird actions... :s

Merdeka Weekend this year was celebrated in the paradise island of Langkawi! Well, it is only paradise due to its tax-free alcohol!! Haha! Of all the 19 people who gave their names for this trip, only 3 appeared!! Our all time Wonder Boy Jonny, Chua and me...but we also had Beate and Geertrui joining us. We had our own fun though! ;-)

A Visit by the Belgians. Wanted to meet Geertrui so badly and missed Beate as well. We stayed in Klang, then Concorde Hotel KL and walked around Bukit Bintang! ;-)

SEPTEMBER

The light of my life; the love of my life came to an end after a 1.3 years of a relationship. It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye

OCTOBER

This was the best Hari Raya open house I had in life! First, it was held in UTAR Block C's cafeteria. Second, the party was thrown in by Mr. Afi Roshezry!! Third, it's Mr. Afi!!! The coolest lecturer I had in UTAR!!

Celebrated Diwali with my AFS students at my house, though I'm an Agnostic and never had a religion in my life! :s ...It was fun to host Aoi Ishiguro from Kuantan chapter. And as usual, Kazuma being the center of attention with his weird moves!! Haha! He would fly back to Japan on January 4, 2010. I'm gonna miss him dearly!! :-(

I had a tattoo!! Yay!! The Star of David. To commemorate the 6 million Jews murdered during the Holocaust and along side all the other victims of the genocide. It is also a reminder for me and those people around me to remember that the Holocaust really happened, that the most civilized and cultured people allowed it to happen!! Such tragedies and traumas still happening, can be stopped and no child should ever experience this again! Let that be the current and the future world's work!! :-)

NOVEMBER

November 1, 2009: a date that will not be forgotten by all UTAR Kampar students! Kelly Yew, James Khor and Yew Ghim Chnieh drowned and washed away by a huge gush of water while swimming in the Batu Berangkai Waterfalls, Kampar, Perak. Our university is still a new branch of UTAR and this is the first tragic event occurred in our campus. Ghim Chnieh was a friend of mine. 3 days before he died, he asked me to invite him for the next party held in Eastlake, Kampar. Rest In Peace Ghim Chnieh and the others. :-(

Me and my horny look at the ballroom for the AFS training program at Hotel Royal, Penang

I was blessed to meet these 2 awesome chicks!! Hidaya and Ameera!! Went clubbing with them in Penang!

Looking like a Bangladeshi dude!! :s ...Thats me and 3 former Malaysian exchange students to Japan

Dr. Yahya and Etty Sulaiman awarded my mom as the 2009 Best Volunteer for AFS Johor in Penang

DECEMBER

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!

Christmas was insane! We walked around the residential area a little drunk! Then there was the police...we wished them Merry Christmas...and they're gone! :s